Musings: Is It Attachment Style, Neurodivergence… or Something Else Entirely?

Why It Matters for Your Business Relationships

Disclaimer

This post is for educational purposes only and is not counseling or psychotherapy. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or provide personalized mental health advice. Reading this article does not create a counselor–client relationship. If you are seeking mental health support, please connect with a qualified mental health professional in your area.

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Musings

I was curled up with Attached¹ by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller (2010) the other night (a book that’s been floating around the therapy and coaching worlds for years), nodding along as they described the telltale signs of “anxious” and “avoidant” attachment styles.

Chapter 5, Living with a 6th Sense for Danger: The Anxious Attachment Style, especially caught my attention. It painted the picture of people who are constantly scanning the relational horizon for signs of trouble. Examples: Was that text I sent too short? Did their tone shift in the meeting? Should I be worried?

Classic anxious attachment, right? Well….Maybe. But then a thought hit me:

What if this “6th sense” isn’t always about early relationship patterns?
What if, for some people, it’s about wiring, specifically being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or a person who is neurodivergent?

The Attachment Story

Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby, who saw attachment behaviors as an evolutionary adaptation to keep infants close to caregivers, ensuring survival (DeHart et al., 2000, pp. 20–21).² Mary Ainsworth later expanded this work through her “Strange Situation” studies, identifying secure, avoidant, and ambivalent/resistant attachment styles (Ainsworth et al., 1978;³ DeHart et al., 2000, pp. 208–211).

In Attached, Levine and Heller (2010) build on this foundation, describing how these patterns play out in adulthood:

• Anxious: hypervigilant for signs of disconnection, seeks reassurance.

• Avoidant: downplays closeness, prioritizes independence.

• Secure: balances closeness and autonomy.

In this framework, scanning for danger is usually traced back to early relational patterns.

The Sensory Story (HSP)

However, Elaine Aron’s research suggests about 20% of humans are highly sensitive,⁴ meaning they process information more deeply, notice subtleties others miss, and feel emotions intensely (Aron, 2013).

If you’re HSP, you might:

• Read nuance into emails others think are “neutral.”

• Feel off-kilter if a meeting’s energy shifts.

• Need more downtime to recover from intense interactions.

In other words, you may look like you’re “on edge” in relationships, but it’s not necessarily about fear of abandonment, it’s about a nervous system that’s finely tuned to pick up micro-signals.

The Neurodivergent Story

For some, the scanning and heightened responses may stem from wiring differences:

• ADHD can bring rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), where perceived criticism hits harder and faster (Dodson, 2025).⁵

• Autism can heighten pattern recognition — for example, noticing subtle changes in social patterns or environmental details others may miss — while also making ambiguous social cues (like facial expressions or tone of voice) harder to interpret. Autistic individuals may also experience sensory hypersensitivities, such as acute hearing, enhanced color perception, or heightened smell detection, which can shape how they process daily interactions (Embrace Autism, 2025).⁶

This isn’t learned behavior from past relationships; it’s how the brain processes input right now. Some also consider HSPs as part of the broader neurodivergent spectrum, though this is not a universally held view.

There are, of course, many other diagnoses within the broader neurodivergent spectrum that could be explored here, but for the sake of focus, I’ll stop with these two for now.

My Own Mix: Why This Isn’t Just Theory for Me

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection on this (probably more than is needed for a lazy Sunday afternoon), and I can tell you my own mix is…complicated.

I have good, loving parents who encouraged me to aim high and believe in myself. Yes, they had their own histories and stressors (who doesn’t?) and one or both may have run a bit anxious, maybe even neurodivergent (not sure). But overall, I grew up in a kind, supportive home.

And yet, I still run anxious. Some of that might stem from relationship experiences and some from my wiring. I’m neurodivergent (ADHD with some OCD tendencies, and possibly other traits I’ve been exploring), and I score off the charts on the Highly Sensitive Person scale.

In business, one place this really shows up is my fear of following up with people.
It’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I’ve been yelled at in past jobs, and that stung my highly sensitive soul. I understand those outbursts weren’t about me, but the imprint is still there.

Add in RSD and you have a cocktail of “What if they think I’m being pushy?” or “What if I sound like a bot?” Ironically, this is why I use GPT tools because they help me put my own voice into writing with encouragement, so I can show up authentically without freezing in fear. Before I started using them, I would often take forever to respond: either replying impulsively and later regretting it, or overthinking to the point of not responding at all because I didn’t know what to say.

And here’s the thing: we don’t fit neatly into boxes or molds. This is why I sometimes struggle with diagnosing people — they rarely fall cleanly into one category. That’s probably why funnels don’t work either, but I digress.

This also connects back to Attached. In Chapter 5, Levine and Heller (2010) describe a case where someone was misdiagnosed, likely because the practitioner didn’t consider whether their behavior was rooted in trauma, attachment history, or wiring. That’s exactly the point: we need to hold multiple possibilities in mind before we label someone.

Why This Distinction Matters in Business

If we mislabel wiring-based patterns as attachment wounds, we might try to “heal” something that doesn’t need healing; it may just need management strategies or system-based tweaks.

Attachment-based patterns may respond well to:

• Safe, consistent relationships (also essential in business relationships).

• Clear communication of needs (applicable to both personal and professional contexts).

• Corrective emotional experiences (which can occur through healthy, supportive business relationships).

Wiring-based patterns may respond to:

• Safety and consistency as well.

• Communication strategies that reduce the risk of misinterpretation and emotional overload. For example, people with ADHD who experience rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) may react strongly to perceived criticism, (Dodson, 2025), which can affect workplace interactions. In these cases, clear, concise messages (ideally with summaries of key points, next steps, and positive feedback) can help reduce uncertainty and support productive communication.

• Self-regulation tools for sensory or emotional overload, including grounding techniques, mindfulness practice, and regular movement or exercise to help regulate mood and focus (Sarkis, 2021).⁷ We also talk about grounding techniques in Neurospicy Voices Ep. 1 (soon to be released).

• Thought management and cognitive restructuring to address unhelpful thinking patterns that amplify stress or misinterpretation (Sarkis, 2021).

You can read more about my personal approaches to hyperfocus, distraction management, sensory regulation, and self-compassion in my post Beautiful Neurodivergence (Willey, 2025).⁸

When You Know Which Lens You’re Looking Through, You Can:

• Manage thoughts to help reduce over-personalizing client behavior (“They didn’t answer my email = they must hate me!”).

• Set boundaries without feeling guilty (“What if they walk away because I didn’t answer immediately?”).

• Communicate in ways that respect unique processing styles, including your own. That might mean telling others what works best for you (“I process information better with bullet points and clear next steps”) so they can communicate with you in ways that reduce overwhelm and reduce risk of misinterpretation.

A Quick Self-Check

When you feel heightened in a business interaction, you could ask yourself:

1. Is this reaction tied to this person (I am speaking with) specifically, or does it happen across many contexts?

2. How do I feel when I receive reassurance, or do I actually need a sensory break?

3. Is the “threat” about the relationship itself, or about the environment/stimulus? Or both?

The answers can point you toward whether you’re looking at attachment, sensitivity, neurodivergence, or a beautiful, complex blend of all three.

Final Thought: Labels aren’t the goal here. Self-awareness is. Whether your “6th sense” comes from your history, your wiring, or both, understanding it is the first step to building healthier, more sustainable relationships, both personal and professional.

Know thyself… and in business, that self-awareness isn’t just nice to have. It’s an ROI multiplier.

Signing off,
Dr. Willey

P.S. Therapists — I’ve been building a section just for you!
Explore the “Just for Therapists” hub for tools, resources, and reflections tailored to our work.

I’m also creating another blog with therapy archetypes and a quiz to help you discover your own archetype — plus ideas for different career transitions. It’s still a work in progress, but you can:

• Peek at one archetype

• Explore the Career Map for inspiration on your next steps.

1. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

2. DeHart, G. B., Sroufe, L. A., & Cooper, R. G. (2000). Child development: Its nature and course (4th ed.). McGraw-Hill.

3. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

4. Aron, E. N. (2013). The highly sensitive person: How to thrive when the world overwhelms you (25th anniversary ed.). Citadel Press.

5. Dodson, W. (2025, April 2). ADHD and emotions: How they affect your life. ADDitude. https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-how-they-affect-your-life/

6. Embrace Autism (2025). Autism strengths and challenges. https://embrace-autism.com/autism-strengths-and-challenges/

7. Sarkis, S. M. (2021). Changing the ADHD Brain: Moving Beyond Medication. PESI, Inc.

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